I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
she pinky promised me she was 18
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
