I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
