I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
