She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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