those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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