Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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