i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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