my mouth tastes like poor choices
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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