It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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