so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
