I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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