Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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