i wish starbucks made bloody marys
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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