I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize