do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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