so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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