yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
