the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize