Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize