I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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