genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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