I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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