My underwear smells like fireworks.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
