I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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