oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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