Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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