Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
