If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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