Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
The best revenge is premature balding
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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