I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
This house was built for laser tag.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
