My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
