she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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