everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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