The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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