It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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