Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
