DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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