I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
