You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
