2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
