the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
