only you would photoshop your dick
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
