All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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