The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
