no, he came in my armpit
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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