i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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