toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
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