so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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