I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
