After last night, I could never be a politician.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
