whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize