It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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