i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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