she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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