I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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