I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
