remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
