Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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