And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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