I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
