It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
