Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
