As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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