She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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