apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
