I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
