In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
