he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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