i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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