i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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